


Blazing Light

by romeoandjulietyouwish



Series: Lis Writes 9-1-1 [43]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Caring Evan "Buck" Buckley, Coming Out, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hugs, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Protective Evan "Buck" Buckley, Romance, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25811260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romeoandjulietyouwish/pseuds/romeoandjulietyouwish
Summary: Eddie discovers something about himself that he's sure is going to throw a huge wrench into his relationship with Buck.Or an asexual Eddie Diaz fic
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Lis Writes 9-1-1 [43]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725208
Comments: 25
Kudos: 280





	Blazing Light

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've been craving some ace Eddie content for a long time so here it is! Some of this fic is inspired by my own experiences being ace so please be kind :)

Eddie smiles against Buck’s lips as his boyfriend pulls him in by the waist flirtatiously and kisses him. Eddie feels the familiar fluttering in his chest that always accompanies Buck’s kisses. 

They’ve had a nice night so far, Hen offered to babysit to give them a much-needed date night. Buck invited him over to his apartment and made him a good meal and now they have relaxed on the couch, magnetically drawn to each other. In the handful of months that he’s been with Buck, Eddie’s the happiest he’s ever been. 

As they kiss, Buck pushes Eddie back against the couch, the kiss is hurried, not at all like any of their previous ones. It leaves Eddie with a strange feeling in his chest, one he hasn’t felt in a while. Buck’s hand slips from his hair down to his waist and starts creeping up his chest, under his shirt. Eddie doesn’t have to guess where this is going, where Buck wants this to go. But as Buck gently bites his lip and touches his chest, Eddie feels sick. 

But he tolerates it, he kisses Buck back and leans into the touch like he knows he’s expected to do. Normally when he’s kissing Buck, time seems to fly by, but now the seconds drag on. Eddie feels the nerves and discomfort growing in his chest and his stomach with every second. He does his best to pretend, but as Buck’s hand wanders to his belt and he can’t do it anymore. 

“Stop,” Eddie forces out. Buck pulls back immediately, moving off of Eddie. Eddie nearly sags in relief. Eddie can’t find the strength to meet Buck’s eyes. “I-I’m sorry, I can’t…” Eddie shakes his head. “I should go.” Without looking at Buck, Eddie stands up and walks briskly to the door of Buck’s apartment, snagging his coat from the hook. 

“Eddie, wait-” Buck says after him. 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie closes the door behind him, catching a glimpse of Buck’s worried face. He walks quickly to his car and leaves as fast as he can. 

He drives home without remembering a single second of it, his heart pounding loudly in his chest. He keeps thinking about the strange feeling in his chest as Buck kissed him and the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that he’s felt it before. 

When Hen stops by at 8:30 to drop Christopher back at home, she frowns at him. “You okay? Did something happen with Buck?” 

Eddie shrugs and lets his friend pull him into a hug. She rubs his back gently, “Do you wanna talk about it?” He shakes his head. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow, call if you need anything.” 

“Thank you,” Eddie manages a small smile for her. He takes a deep breath and forces a facade of happiness for Christopher. But Chris is far more perceptive than Eddie thought, he gives Eddie a long hug and a kiss on the cheek before bed.

After Christopher is tucked into bed, Eddie sits at the kitchen table, hands clasped tight around a mug of tea that is supposed to help him sleep. His phone lays on the table in front of him with several messages and missed calls from Buck that make Eddie’s heart clench in dread. 

It’s not that he finds Buck unattractive, that’s not it at all. But he doesn’t think about Buck in that way and, now as he thinks about it, he didn’t think of Shannon that way either. He thought she was gorgeous and beautiful, but never hot or sexy. What attracted him to her was her kindness and her smile and the way she lit up a room. With Buck, it’s much the same.

The few times he had done it with Shannon were nothing special. She was his first relationship so he had simply assumed that it would get better. It didn’t. Over time as he and Shannon grew apart, they had sex less and less, almost never. Eddie didn’t find himself missing it in the slightest. In his years in the army, he never felt the same desire or longing that his fellow soldiers did, at the time he chalked it up to be because he was married. But in the years after she died, he didn’t feel any sort of desire for anyone. 

_What’s wrong with me?_ Eddie thinks, squeezing the mug so tight it could shatter in his hand. _Am I broken?_ He knows that people want sex, they think about it all the time, they crave it. But he doesn’t.

So he does the only thing he can think to do, he looks it up. Eddie spends hours pouring over articles and research papers as his tea grows cold. Some things make him even more confused and some things...well some things make it a whole lot clearer. 

Asexual. 

Eddie’s heard the word before, but as he reads the definition and the broad spectrum and all the different ways to be asexual, he feels a weight lift off his chest. That’s him. He sets his phone down on the table and takes a shaky breath as tears well in his eyes. There’s a word for what he is and what he feels. He feels the same overwhelming joy as he did when he first read the word bisexual. 

And as he reads more, reads testimonies from other asexual people, he can hardly read through his tears. 

_You are not crazy_ , they say. _You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to. You deserve to be happy._

But as he finishes the last article, his phone pings with a message from Buck and a seed of dread pools in his stomach. He has to tell him. And Buck...Buck will probably break up with him. Eddie’s heard about Buck 1.0, he knows that his boyfriend has certain needs that he won’t be able to meet and as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath he forces himself to accept that.

In the morning, Eddie texts Buck, asking if he can come over later. Buck’s reply is nearly instantaneous and invites him over before Eddie’s shift. Eddie silently thanks god that Buck isn’t scheduled to work today. That would only make it hurt infinitely more.

He puts on a smile for Christopher as he drops him off for school and drives to Buck’s house. Eddie is not ashamed to say that he sits in the car outside for a few minutes, his hand resting on the handle. But he forces himself out of the car and knocks three times on the door to Buck’s apartment. 

When Buck opens the door, he pulls Eddie into a hug. Eddie relishes in the contact, maybe the last hug he’ll ever get from his boyfriend. “Let’s talk,” Eddie says. Buck nods, allowing Eddie to lead the way. Instead of going to the couch, Eddie sits down at the dining table, Buck taking the seat across from him.

“Eddie, I’m so sorry about last night,” Buck starts, looking as earnest as ever. “I shouldn’t have...we should have talked about it first. I’m sorry.” 

Eddie looks down at his hands, “You don’t need to apologize.” 

Buck takes his hand. “Yes, I do. Look, Eds, if you’re not ready, that’s okay. I never want to push you into something that you’re not ready for. And when you’re ready we’ll take it at your pace, okay?” 

“And if I never want to?” Eddie immediately snaps his mouth shut, that’s not what he meant to say. Eddie jumps in before Buck can say anything. “Buck, I-I’m asexual. I don’t think that I will ever want or enjoy sex.” Eddie doesn’t chance a glance at Buck’s face, he can’t bear to see the confusion and disappointment he knows is there. “And I know that’s a deal-breaker for you so, uh, I’m giving you an easy out of this. I-I’m not going to make you stick with this relationship that you won’t be...satisfied with.” Eddie puts his hands under the table so Buck doesn’t see them shaking. 

“Eddie, I…” Buck trails off. It’s silent for a moment as Buck searches for something to say. “Can you look at me? Please?” Eddie does, raising his eyes to meet Buck. But what he sees on Buck’s face isn’t what he had been expecting. There’s not a trace of disgust or hate or even discomfort, all he sees is love and concern. “That’s not a deal-breaker for me. I love you, Eds. Knowing that your asexual doesn’t change and thing about how I feel about you.” 

Eddie shakes his head, it sounds too good to be true, “Buck, I don’t think you understand. I’m never going to want to have sex.” 

Buck smiles at him, “Then we won’t have sex, that’s okay with me.” He takes Eddie’s hand across the table. “I don’t want an easy out. I want to sit here and talk to you and fall even deeper in love.” 

“That sounds too good to be true,” Eddie sniffs as he smiles at Buck. 

“It’s not,” Buck assures him. He walks over to Eddie’s side and pulls his boyfriend into a tight hug. When they pull apart, Buck asks, “Eddie, other than last night, have I ever made you uncomfortable with anything we’ve done?” 

Eddie shakes his head, “No. I don’t mind making out or kissing, but I don’t like it when it gets…” Eddie gestures around, trying to find the right word.

“Heated?” Buck supplies. Eddie nods. “Okay, that’s good to know. Listen, if I ever cross a boundary, promise you will stop me? I don’t want you doing something that you don’t want to because you think it will make me happy.” 

“Okay,” Eddie puts a hand on Buck’s cheek, lovingly running his thumb across his cheekbone. “Gosh, I love you so much.” Buck smiles and eagerly leans in to kiss him. 

“I love you too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Tumblr- @evanbuckley-heartofgold 
> 
> Come say hi!


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